英语幽默笑话集_范文大全

英语幽默笑话集

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范文一:英语幽默笑话集锦绝对好笑 投稿:秦甕甖

一. Mental deficiency 智力缺陷

“医生,你能不能告诉我,”鲍勃问,“对于一个看 上去很正常的人,你是怎样判断出他有智力缺陷的呢?”“再没有比这容易的了,”医生回答,“问他一个简单的问题,简单到所有人都知道答案,如果他回答得不 干脆,那你就知道是怎么回事了。”“那要问什么样的问题呢?”“嗯,你可以这样问,„库克船长环球旅行了三次,但是在其中一次的途中他去世了,是哪一次 呢?‟”鲍勃想了一会儿,紧张的回答道,“你就不能问另外一个问题吗?坦率地说,我对历史了解的不是很多。”

二. A Girl's Name 女孩的名字

A Girl's Name

When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late(已故的) father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine(男性的) .

Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.

Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.

女孩的名字

女儿出生时,我们给她取名叫迈尔斯,和我深爱的业已过世的父亲同一个名字,不过家人提醒这个名字太男性化了。

几年以后,我觉得迈尔斯已经长大,能够懂事了。我对她解释说:你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样的名字,因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。

迈尔斯很仔细地想了一下,然后说道:这些我都懂,妈妈。可是我不知道外公为什么会有一个女孩子的名字。

三. A Gentle Reminder委婉提醒

Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted,

Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said,

他放下报纸,眼睛直直地望着我:“因此,你想交换座位吗?”

四. 请朋友吃饭 Friend for Dinner

Friend for Dinner

Honey, said the husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.

What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I havent been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking a fancy meal!

I know all that.

Then why did you invite a friend for supper?

Because the poor fools thinking about getting married.

请朋友吃饭

“亲爱的,”丈夫对妻子说:“我邀请了一位朋友回家吃晚饭。”

“什么?你疯了吗?我们的房子乱糟糟的,我很久没有买过东西回来了,所有的碗碟都是脏 的,还有,我可不想做一餐累死人的晚饭。”

“这些我全都知道。”

“那你为什么还要邀请朋友回来吃晚饭?”

“因为那个可怜的笨蛋正考虑要结婚呢。”

五. 半个还是十分之五Half or Five Tenths?

Half or Five Tenths?

Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?

Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.

Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.

Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.

半个还是十分之五

老师:你愿意要半个柑橘,还是十分之五个柑橘?

杰拉得:我宁可要半个。

老师:仔细想想,说出理由来。

杰拉得:因为你如果把柑橘切成十分之五,那柑橘汁就损失太多了。

六. I don't think I know我想我不知道

Teacher:

John:

Teacher:

John:

老师:“John,动词ring的过去分词是什么?”。

约翰:“你想它是什么呢”?

老师:“我不用想,我知道!”。

约翰:“我想我不知道”。

七. 情人节的梦表乱讲

One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace. When she woke up, she told her husband,

On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.

Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled

情人节前一天,一个女人做了个项链的梦。

当她醒来,她和她丈夫说:“我刚梦到你情人节给了我一根珍珠项链。你说那是什么含义呢?”。

“到情人节那天你就会知道了。”他笑着说。

情人节那天,男人给了他老婆一个礼盒。

她很兴奋地打开,看到的却是一本书,书名是《梦的解析》。

八. 最物理学的冷笑话

A bunch of great, DEAD scientists were playing hide-and-seek in heaven. When it's Einstein's turn to be the seeker, he counted untill 100 and opened his eyes. All the others were hide, but only Newton were still standing there.

Einstein walked to him and said:

Newton answered:

Einstein said:

Newton said:

Einstein looked down and found that Newton was standing on a square floor board with one metre long and one metre wide. He didn't understand.

Newton then said:

一群伟大的科学家去世后在天堂里玩藏猫猫。轮到爱因斯坦抓人,他数到100睁开眼睛,看到所有的人都藏起来了,只有牛顿还站在那里。

爱因斯坦走过去说:“牛顿,我抓住你了。”

牛顿:“不,你没有抓到牛顿。”

爱因斯坦:“你不是牛顿你还能是谁?”

牛顿:“你看我脚下是什么?”

爱因斯坦低头,看到牛顿站在一块长、宽都是一米的正方形地板砖上,大为不解。

牛顿:“我脚下是一平方米的方块,我站在上面就是牛顿/平方米。所以你抓住的不是牛顿,你抓住的是帕斯卡。”

物理公式当中“1牛顿/平方米=1帕斯卡”„„物理学家的笑话好冷、真的好冷„„

九. 上帝不聋奶奶聋

Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:

His older brother nudged him and said,

2个男孩与祖父母一起过夜,他们跪在床边做睡前祷告。弟弟声嘶力竭地祈祷:

哥哥用肘轻推他:

弟弟答道:

“好孩子。现在告诉我们,你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”

“是这样的,老师。我昨天去看她,在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说:‘奶奶,我要回家了。’她说:‘啊,我很高兴!’”

十. 谨遵医嘱 Doctor's Orders

Brown: I'm sorry to see you so unwell. Have you seen the doctor?

Jack: Yes. I'm having three baths a day.

Brown: What for?

Jack: Don't know, doctor's orders. He gave me some medicine and told me to follow the directions on the bottle, which read:

布朗:看到你身体这样不好真让人难过。你去看医生了吗?

杰克:看过了,我现在一天洗三次澡。

布朗:为什么? 杰克:我也不知道,这是医生的嘱咐。他给了我一些药并告诉我要按照药瓶上的说明去做。说明上面写着“一天三次在水中服一汤匙。”

十一. 推荐信 Letter of Recommendation

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources.

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day. The following morning, Peters found a letter on his desk. It read,

彼得斯听说自己被解雇了,便去见人力资源部的头头。“既然我在公司干了这么久,”他说,“我想至少该给我一封推荐信。”

人力资源部主任同意了,并说他第二天就可拿到该信。第二天早上,彼得斯在他的桌子上看一封信,上面写道:“乔纳森·彼得斯在我们公司干了11年。当他离去的时候,我们很满意。”

十二. Quick Cleanup 快速清扫

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read

不速之客就在路上,我妈妈,一个完美的家庭主妇,正忙里忙外地整理。她分配给我爸和我哥哥的任务是打扫供客人使用的浴室。一会儿之后,当她去检查的时候,她吃惊了,曾经一度杂乱的房间瞬间就被打扫干净了。接着她看到浴帘上有一张纸条,纸条上写着:“谢谢你没往浴缸里看。”

十三. Limited Knowledge 圣诞老人知识有限

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one.

平安夜那天,在我们分发饼干时,我一不小心掉了一块到地上。“没关系。”我一边说,一边捡起来,并在放回盘子前掸掉了上面的灰。“你不能那么做。”我四岁大的孩子争论道。“别担心,圣诞老人不会知道的。”他朝我瞟了一眼。“这就是说他知道我有没有做坏事,而他不知道饼干掉在地上过?”

十四. How do I get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出来

Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said,

当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候,她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后,一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前,说道:“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”

十五. I am acting like a lady 我要表现得像一位女士

One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women. He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the

一天,一家百货公司的女装大减价,一位高贵的中年男士想给他的太太挑选一件女装。但是,没过多久,他就发现自己已被疯狂的女人们撞得踉踉跄跄。

他竭力地忍耐着。后来,他低下头,挥舞双臂,挤过人群。

“你干嘛?”有人尖声叫道,“你难道不能表现得像一位绅士吗?”

“听着,”他说。“我已经像绅士一样表现了一个小时了。从现在起,我要表现得像一位女士。”

十六.How much English can you speak? 你会说多少英文?

The judge looked at the defendant and asked,

The defendant looked up and said,

法官看了看被告,问道:

被告抬起头,说:

十七. Who talks more?谁更啰嗦?

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said,

丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果,为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字,而女人每天使用30000个。

妻子想了一会儿说,女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍,因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。 他问:

十八. Is this seat empty?这个座位是空的么?

Boy: Is this seat empty?

Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

男孩:这个座位是空的么?

女孩:是的,如果你坐下,我的座位也将是空的。

十九. Guess 猜一猜

A guy says to his friend,

The friends says,

The first guys says,

路人甲对路人乙说,

路人乙说:

路人甲说:

二十. 研究生和本科生的区别

一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说:

范文二:英语幽默笑话集锦 投稿:洪踬踭

英语幽默笑话集锦

◆Teacher: “Tommie, what do you know about the Dead Sea?” Tommie: “I didn‟t even know it was ill.”

◆Teacher: “Here is a world map. Who can show us America?”(Tom goes to the map and finds America on it. )Teacher: “Now, tell me, boys, who found America?” Pupils: “Tom.”

◆A boy was wondering about a photograph in a newspaper. It showed a group of happy and cheerful children carrying schoolbags with the caption at the bottom: “On TheirWay to School”. “I think it‟s mistaken. They must be on their way home after class, I‟msure!” the boy concluded.

◆Geography teacher: “What is the consequence of the breaking up of the former Soviet Union?”Student: “ It means that we have more names of new countries to remember.”

◆Math teacher: “Now remember, class, statistics don‟t lie, For example, if twelve men could build a house in one day, one man could build the same house in 12 days. Do you understand what I mean? Jack, give me an example.” Jack: “You mean that if one boat could cross the ocean in six days, six boats could cross the same ocean in one day.” Biology teacher: “Johnnie, can you give a familiar example of the human body thatadapts itself to changed conditions?” Johnnie: “Yes, ma‟am. My aunt gained 50 pounds in a year, and her skin never cracked.”

◆Teacher: “Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?” Student: “Well, the days are much longer in the semmer than in winter.” ◆Mary has been going to primary school for a week. At the end of the first week her father asked her: “Which period do you like best at school, dear?” May thought for awhile and answered: “I like the break period best.”

◆During the final examination, some pupils were so eager to answer the questions that they forgot to fill in the blanks for the class, name, date, etc. on the front page of the examination paper. The teacher considered it necessary to remind them of filling all the blanks. She declared: “Now, attention please! Fill in all the blanks before you do the questions.” “Shall I fill the blank for the marks?” one pupil asked.

◆A teacher was asking a pupil in her class.” Tommie, how many persons are there in the classroom?” “Forty-one, including you, ma‟am, ”Tommie answered.” Then, how many are left when I go out?” the teacher asked again.” None, madam.”

◆“What do you think of the relationship between „deceit‟, „failure‟ and‟ success‟?” the 1st pupil asked the 2nd pupil. “I think deceit will lead to failure,” the second answered. “Yes, ”the first pupil went on,” but failure is the mother of success.” “So no deceit, no success, ”concluded the 1st pupil.

◆Teacher: “Why are you often late for school?” Student: “Because the sign said: School Zone, Go Slow!”

◆Phys. teacher: “Which travels faster, heat or cold?” Student: “Heat. You can catch cold.”

◆Math. teacher: “Now we find that X is equal to zero. “Student: “Gee!All that workfor nothing!”

◆Chem. teacher: “Can you tell me anything about the great chemists of the 19th century?”Student: “They are all dead, sir.”

◆Music teacher: “Who is the famous tenor in our city? And who is the famous bass?”Student: “When my father denou- nces me, he is a famous tenor. When he speaks to my mother, he is a bass.”

◆“Who was the first President of the United States?” a history teacher asked one of her student. The student thought for a long time, but didn‟t say any-thing. Then the teacher got angry and shouted, ”George Washington!” “Come back!” the teacher said, ” I didn‟t tell you to go.” “Oh, I‟m sorry,” the student said, ”I thought you called the next student.”

◆Medical prof: “What would you do in the case of a person eating poisoous mushrooms ?”Student: “Recommend a change of diet.”

◆Literature prof. : “Tell me one or two things about John Milton.” Student: “Well he got married and he wrote „Paradise Lost‟. Then his wife died and he wrote „Paradise Regained‟.

◆English prof. : “What is the difference be- tween an ac- tive verb and a passive verb ?Stud. : “An active verb shows ac- tion and a pa- ssive verb shows passion. “

◆Grammar teacher: “A noun is the name of a per- son or a thing. Now, who can give me a noun ?”First pupil: “A cow.” Teacher: “Very good. Another noun?”Second pupil: “Another cow.”

◆Prof. : “Before we begin the examination are there any questions?”Stud. : “What‟s the name of this course?”

◆First student: “Did the music teacher act- ually say your voice was hea- venly?” Second student: “Well, she did say it was u- nearthly.”

◆First student: “Which is the longest word in the English Language?”Second student: “I don‟t know. Would you like to tell me what it is?”First student: It‟s “smiles”. Second student: “That isn‟t very long. Only six letters.” First student: “But there is a mile between the first and the last letters.

◆Teacher: “Can you tell me what a fish-net is made of?”Pupil: “A lot of little holes tied together.”

◆Once two pu-pils were tal-king about thesun and the moon. “Which of themis more useful?”asked one of them. The other an-swered, ”Oh, I know. The moon is. The

moon is in the sky at nightwhen it is dark, but the sun is in the sky in the daytime when nobody wants it.”

◆Voice on tele-phone: “John is ill and can‟t attend classes today. He re- quested me to notify you.” Prof. : “All right. Who is this speaking?”Voice: “This is my roommate.”

◆Prof. : “What are you reading. Tom?”Stud. : “I don‟t know.” Prof. : “You don‟t know?You were reading aloud, so you must know.” Stud. : “I was reading aloud, sir, butI was not listening. “

◆At a college examination a professor said: “Does the ques-tion embarrass you?” “Not at all, sir, ”replied thestudent, ”not atall. It is the answer that bo-thers me.”

◆Friend: “What is your son going to be when he‟s passed his final exam ?”Father: “An old man.”

◆Reporter: “What is the profe- ssor‟s research work?”Prof. „s house-keeper: “It consists principally in hunting for his spectacles.”

◆“Professor, whydo you use threepairs of eyegla-sses?” “Yes, one pairfor long sight,one pair for short sight, and the third to look for the other two.”

◆Teacher: “Billy, what‟s a syno- nym?”Student: “It‟s word you used in place of another one when you can not spell the other one.”

◆Father: “Well, son , what‟s your place on the school-list this month?”Son: “I‟m twenty -sixth.” Father: “How many pupils are there in your class?”Son: “Twenty-six. “

(A month later)Father: “Well, son , what‟s your place on the list now?”Son: “Twenty- seven. Father: “How can that be?If I remember co- rrectly, there are only twenty-six in your class.” Son: “Oh, no, we have a new boy now.”

◆During a Christmas exam, one of the ques-tions was: “What causes a depre-ssion?”One of the students wrote: “God knows!I do not know. Merry Christmas!”The exam papercame back with the prof. „s no-tation: “God gets100, you get zero. Happy New Year!“

◆The more we study, the more we know. The morewe know, the morewe forget. The more we forget, the less we know. The less we know, the less weforget. The less we forget, the more we know. So why study?

◆The professorrapped on his rostrum and shouted: “Gentle-men, order!” The entire class yelled: “Beer!”

◆“If the Deandoesn‟t take back what he siad to me thismoring, I‟m goingto leave college.” “What did he say?” “He told me toleave college.”

◆The bright student looked long and thoughtfully at the second ex-amination question, which read: “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of the United States in any given year.” Then his brow cleared and he wrote: “1492-none.”

◆Prof. : “Wake up that student next to you.” Stud. : “You do it yourself, professor,you put him to sleep.”

◆Prof. : “You can‟t sleep in my class.” Stud. : “If you don‟t talk so loud I could.”

◆“Our economicsteacher talks tohimself. Does yours?” “Yes, but he doesn‟t realize it. He thinks weare listening.”

◆“I shall now illustrate what I have in mind, ”said the teacher as he erased the blackboard.

◆First stud. : “The dean says he is going to stop smoking in the college.” Second stud. : “Huh!Next thing he‟ll be asking us to stop smoking, too.”

◆Teacher: “A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.” Stud. : “ No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!”

◆A college freshman was being severely criticized by his professor, “Your last paper was very diffi-cult to read, ”said the profe-ssor, ”Your work should be so written that even the most ignorant will be able to under-stand it.” “Yes, sir, ”saidthe student, “what part didn‟t you get?”

◆The professor was delivering the final lec-ture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis onthe fact each sutdent should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final exami-nations.” “The examina-tion papers arenow in the handsof the printer. Are there any questions to be asked?” Silence prevai-led. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired: “Who is the prin-ter?”

◆Prof. : “Never mind the date. The examina- tion is more important.” Stud. : “Well, sir, I wanted to have something right on my paper.”

◆Mary had beento school for the first time. “Well, darling, what did you learn?” asked hermother, when Marycame back home. “Nothing, ”sighed Mary hopelessly, ”I have got to go back again tomo-rrow.”

◆One morning Professor Blankwas going to meet his studen-ts in the after-noon, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: “Profe-ssor Blank will meet the class this afternoon.” Some student, seeing his chance to dis-play his sense of humour after reading the notice, walked up and erased the “C”in the word “class”. The pro-fessor noticing the laughter wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the “C”erased-calmly walked up and erased the“l”in “lass”, looked at the flabbergastedstudent and pro-ceeded on hisway.

◆Teacher: “Henry, what are the three works which some of you use most often in class ?”Henry: “I don‟t know.” Teacher: “Correct.”

◆Teacher.” Mary, why don‟t wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.” Mary: “What was it?”Teacher: “Eggs.” Mary: “Wrong, tea- cher. That was yesterday.”

◆Teacher: “What is an abstract noun, Jane?”Jane: “I don‟t know, madam.” Teacher: “What, you don‟t know ?Well, it‟s the name of a thing which you can think of but cannot touch. Now, give me an example. “Jane: “A red-hot poker.”

◆First stud. : “How are a teacher and a railroad conductor alike?”Second stud. : “I don‟t know. Can you tell me?”First stud. : “One minds the trains and the other trains the minds.”

◆“Aren‟t you ashamed of your-self, Henry?”saidthe headmatser, ”You are the worst pupil in your class.” Henry replied, “What‟s that gotto do with me?Isit my fault thatthe worst one was transferredto another school yesterday?”

◆Little Smith came home fromwith a new bookunder his arm. “It‟s a prize, mother, ”he ex-plained. “A prize?What for, dear?” “For zoology. Teacher asked mehow many legs anostrich has and I said three.” “But an ostrichhas only two legs.” “I know it now. But all the pu-pils said four, so I was closest.”

◆An absent-min-ded professor was lecturing on anatomy. “To show you more clearly what I mean, I have here a parcel with a dissected frog. I want you to ex-amine it very carefully.” The professorunwrapped the parcel and saw that it contain-ed two sandwich-es and a boiled egg. Astonished, theprofessor said: “I was sure I hadeaten my lunch, but where is thefrog?”

◆First stud. : “What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last night?”Second stud. : “They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry.” First stud. : “My gods, the entire history of England was on them.”

◆A son at colle-ge wrote his father: “No mon, no fun, your son. “The father an-swered: “How sad, too bad, your dad.”

◆“Say, dad, reme-ber that storyyou told me about when youwere expelled from college?” “Yes.” “Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that historyrepeats itself.”

◆“Where have you been for the last four years?”“At college taking medicine. ““And did you finally get well?”

◆The much pre-occupied profe-ssor walk intothe barber‟s shop and sat in a chair next to a woman who washaving her hairbobbed. “Haircut, please, ”ordered the professor. “Certainly, ”said the barber. “But if you really want a haircut would you mind taking off your hat first?” The professorhurriedly re-moved his hat. “I‟m sorry, ”heapologized as helooked around.” Ididn‟t know there was a lady present.”

◆Teacher: “Didn‟t Henry help you to this sum?”Pupil: “No.” Teacher: “Are you sure he didn‟t help you?”Pupil: “No, he did not help me, he did it all.”

◆Teacher: “What do you call the last teeth we get?”Pupil: “False teeth.”

◆Geog. teacher: “What have the expeditions to the North Pole accomplished?”Pupil: “Nothing execpt to make the geography lessons harder.”

◆Teacher: “What animal is sa- tisfied with the least nou- rishment?”Robert: “The moth , teacher. It eats nothing but holes.”

◆“What he shapeof the earth?”asked the tea-cher of Jane. “It‟s round, ”Jane said. “How do you know it is round, Jane?” “Oh, it‟s square. I don‟t want tostart an argu-ment about it.”

◆A school tea-cher who had been telling a class of smallpupil the story of the discoveryof America by Columbus endedwith: “And all this happened more than 500 years ago.” A little boy, his eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment‟s thought: “Gee!What a good memory youhave got.”

◆Teacher: “What are the pro- ducs of Cuba?”Boy: “I don‟t know.” Teacher: “Come, come!Where do you get sugar from?”Boy: “We borrow it from the next-door neighbour.”

◆Teacher: “The earth has an attractive power;that power is known as gravity. It is, in fact, the law of gravity which prevents us from being thrown off the earth as it revolves.” Pupil: “Please, teacher, how did we keep on the earth be- fore the law was passed?”

◆Teacher: “In the old days men were often put in prison with- out any proper reason;but today we never think of puni- shing people for things they have not done.” Bad boy: (sulki- ly): “Then why was I criti- cized yester- day because I didn‟t do my homework?”

◆Teacher: “Tommy, where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”Tommy: “At the bottom , I guess.”

◆First pupil: “What word be- comes shorter if you add two letters to it?”Second pupil: “Oh , I know. It‟s” short”.

◆Professor Blank: “Hasn‟t Jimmy ever married?”Student: “No, and I don‟t think he intends to, because he‟s studying for a bachelor‟s de- gree.”

◆“A telegram from George, dear.” “Well, did he pass the exami-nation this time?” “No, but he is almost at the top of the list of those who failed.”

◆Miss Betty taught physics in a New York school. One day she said to herclass, ”Now, I have a brother in Los An-geles. If I was calling him on the phone, and at the sametime you were 75feet away, liste-ning to me, whichof you would hear what I saidearlier, my bro-ther or you-andfor what reason?”“One of the bright studentsat once answered, ”Your brother, Miss Betty, be-cause electri-city travels faster than sound waves.” But then, a girl said, ”I disagree, Miss Betty. Your brother would hear you earlier because when it‟s eleven o‟clock here, it‟s eight o‟clock in LosAngeles.”

◆Teacher: “What was George Wa- shington noted for?”Johnny: “His me- mory.”Teacher: “What makes you think his me- mory was so great?”Johnny: “They erected a mo- nument to it.”

◆Stud. : “I‟m in- debted to you for all I know.”Prof. : “Oh, don‟t mention such a mere trifle.”

◆During a na-tural historylesson at school, Mary was asked to give the nameof an animal peculiar to South Afri-ca. “A polar bear!”replied Mary in-stantly. The teacher frowned repro-vingly.” Come, come!Mary, ”she said, ”Polar bears are not to be found in South Africa.” “I know, ”Maryanswered, ”that‟swhy it would bepeculiar.”

◆First student: “There is a guy in our school who‟s a real know-it-all. So I told him no- body liked that attitude. “Second student: “And what did he say?”First student: “He said he al- ready knew that.”

◆At college Percy fell intoa cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. He didnot realize howlong he had neg-lected writing his family untilhe received thefollowing note: “Dear son, Your mother and I en-joyed your lastletter. Of course, we were much younger then, andmore impressio-nable. Love Dad.”

◆Mary began to go to school atthe age of six years old. She spent her firstday happily. Butat the end of the second day, when the other children left the classroom, she stayed be-hind and waited. “Why didn‟t you go with the others, Mary?”herteacher asked kindly.”Did you want to ask me aquestion?” “Yes.” “What is it?”the teacher asked. “What did I do in school today?”The teacher laughed. “What did you ask me that, Mary?” “Beause I‟m going to go homenow, ”Mary an-swered, ”and my mother is going to ask me.”

◆One day one ofthe girls in Rose‟s class said to her, ”Miss Rose, why does a man‟s hair become grey before his mus-tache and beard do?” Rose laughed and replied, ”I don‟t know. Who can answer the question?” Then one ofthe boys said, ”I know, Miss Rose!Men‟s hair be-comes grey first because it‟s sixteen years older than their mustaches and beards.”

◆As a freshman, George had to take a course inwestern civili-zation from a certain profe-ssor--his father. “What is it like to have your dad for class?”he was constantly asked. “Not as stran-ge as you might think, ”he re-plied.” My father has been lec-turing me all my life. I just never had to take notes be-fore.”

◆Teacher: “What happens when there is an eclipse of the sun?”Pupil: “Many peo- ple go out into the streets to look at it.”

范文三:英语幽默笑话 投稿:高薪薫

英语幽默笑话:Two Pieces of Cake 两块蛋糕Two Pieces of Cake Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please? Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!英语幽默笑话:How to Become Rich 如何致富Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.英语幽默笑话:A Gentle Reminder 委婉提醒Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted,

英语幽默笑话: the cigarettes will be on fireMary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day. 'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.' 'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.英语幽默:他的耳朵在我衣兜里Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,

范文四:幽默英语笑话故事 投稿:邓陾陿

老鼠What do mice do when they're at home?Mousework !小老鼠在家里做什么?老鼠工作!What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty' !12磅重的老鼠会对猫说什么?“我在这里,小猫,小猫,小猫!”What kind of musical instrument do mice play?A mouse organ !老鼠玩什么样的乐器?鼠标器官!Why do mice have long tails?Well, they'd look silly with long hair !为什么老鼠有长长的尾巴?好吧,因为他们有长发的话看起来傻!Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves?Mickey Moose !谁有大大的鹿角,高高的声音,戴白手套?米老鼠!How do you save a drowning mouseUse mouse to mouse resuscitation !你如何保存一个溺水的鼠标?使用老鼠做鼠标复苏!Where do hamsters come from?Hamsterdam ![/en]仓鼠来自哪里?Hamsterdam![en]What's a mouse's least favorite record?What's up Pussycat !什么是老鼠最不喜欢的记录?猫咪怎么了?Why do mice need oiling?Because they squeak !为什么老鼠需要加油?因为他们失火了!What do rodents say when they play bingo?'Eyes down for a full mouse' !啮齿动物玩宾果游戏的时候说什么?“看住一个完整的老鼠!动物Why did the little girl take hay to bed?To feed her nightmare.为什么小女孩带干草去睡觉?为了养活她的噩梦。Why did the rabbit go to the doctor?Because he felt jumpy.为什么兔子去看医生?因为他觉得心惊肉跳。What happened to the two bedbugs who fell in love?They were married in the Spring.两个臭虫相爱后会发生什么?他们的婚礼是在春天。Why can't you tell secrets on a farm?Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, the grass whispers and the horses carry tails.为什么你不能告诉一个农场里的秘密?因为玉米有耳可听的,土豆有眼,草窃窃私语和马有尾巴。What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?Glass flippers.灰姑娘穿什么去舞会?玻璃鳍状肢。What's smarter than a talking horse?A spelling bee.什么比一个会说话的马更聪明?会拼字的蜂蜜。What did the duck say when it laid a square egg?Ouch.鸭下了一个四方形的蛋说什么?哎哟。When is it socially correct to serve milk in a saucer?When you're feeding the cat.什么时候碟里倒牛奶中是正确的服务?当你喂猫。How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros?The elephant has a better memory.你怎么知道大象和犀牛之间的区别大象有更好的记忆力。What does a frog say when it washes car windows?Rub it, rub it, rub it.一只青蛙说什么,洗汽车的窗户的时候?擦了,擦了,擦了。Virtue美德Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.获取研究生学位多年以后,我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天,电梯里很拥挤,有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起,20年来电梯一直没有换过。When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me.

范文五:英语幽默笑话 投稿:梁逹逺

英语幽默笑话:A Girl's Name 女孩的名字

编辑点评:

几年以后,我觉得迈尔斯已经长大,能够懂事了。我对她解释说:你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样的名字,因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。

A Girl's Name

When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late(已故的) father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine(男性的) .

Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.

Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.

女孩的名字

女儿出生时,我们给她取名叫迈尔斯,和我深爱的业已过世的父亲同一个名字,不过家人提醒这个名字太男性化了。

几年以后,我觉得迈尔斯已经长大,能够懂事了。我对她解释说:你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样的名字,因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。 迈尔斯很仔细地想了一下,然后说道:这些我都懂,妈妈。可是我不知道外公为什么会有一个女孩子的名字。

was

v. 用来表示某人或某物即主语本身,用来表示某人或某物属于某一群体或有某种性质( be

的过去式 );在,存在;不受干扰

born

vt. bear的过去分词;支撑,支持;亲自携带,运输

vi. 结果,生产;和…有关

adj. 出生的,出身于…的;天生的,天赋的

named

adj. 指定的

v. 确定( name的过去式和过去分词 );决定;给…取名;说出…的名字

Myles

[人名] [英格兰人姓氏] 迈尔斯 Miles的变体

beloved

adj. 被热爱的;亲爱的;为…所爱的 n. 心爱的人,可爱的人;情人;亲爱的教友

复数:beloveds

late

adj. 晚的,迟到的;末期的,最近的;已故的;原来的,之前的

adv. 晚,迟到;后期地;最近地 比较级:later 最高级:latest

despite

prep. 不管;尽管(自己)不愿意;不在乎;虽有

n. 侮辱;憎恨;怨恨;轻蔑的拒绝或不承认

warning

n. 警告;征候,预兆;前车之鉴 adj. 警告的;告诫的;引以为戒的

v. 警告( warn的现在分词);提醒;告诫;预先通知

复数:warnings

masculine

adj. 男子气概的;阳性的,雄性的;男性化的,像男人的

n. [语]阳性;阳性词;男性

比较级:more masculine 最高级:most masculine

英语幽默笑话:一分一块钱 A dollar per point

编辑点评:Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

一天,教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷,然后回到讲台前等待。

考试结束了,学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票,还有一张纸条写着:“一分一块钱。”

第二堂课,教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的找零。

范文六:英语幽默笑话几段 投稿:蔡溭溮

英语幽默笑话几段

Who Is the Laziest?

Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, father.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work? Tom: Our teacher, father.

中文:

父亲:哎,汤姆,今天我跟你们老师谈过,现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒?

汤姆:我不知道,爸爸。

父亲:啊,不对,你知道!想想看,当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时,谁在课堂上坐着,只是看人家做功课?

汤姆:我们老师,爸爸。

I think that I'm a chicken

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

精神病医师:你哪里不舒服?

病人:我认为我是一只鸡。

精神病医师:这种情况从什么时候开始的?

病人:从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。

假如我又回到了童年

I would practice perseverance more often,and never give up a thing If we want light, we must conquer darkness.Perseverance can sometimes equal genius in its results.“There are only two creatures,

would strengthen that faculty by every possible means, and on every possible occasion.It takes a little hard work at first to remember things accurately;but memory soon helps itself, and gives very little trouble.It only needs early cultivation to become a power.If I were a boy again

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假如我又回到了童年,我做事要更有毅力,决不因为事情艰难或者麻烦而撒手不干,我们要光明,就得征服黑暗。毅力在效果上有时能同天才相比。俗话说:“能登上金字塔的生物,只有两种——鹰和蜗牛。”假如我又回到了童年,我就要养成专心致志的习惯;有事在手,就决不让任何东西让我分心。我要牢记:优秀的滑冰手从不试图同时滑向两个不同的方向。如果及早养成这种专心致志的习惯,它将成为我们生命的一部分。我常听成年人说:“虽然我希望能集中注意力听牧师讲道理或读书,但往往做不到。”而原因就是年轻时没有养成这种习惯。假如我现在能重新开始我的生命,我就要更注意记忆力的培养。我要采取一切可能的办法,并且在一切可能的场合,增强记忆力。要正确无误地记住一些东西,在开始阶段的确要作出一番小小的努力;但要不了多久,记忆力本身就会起作用,使记忆成为轻而易举的事,只需及早培养,记忆自会成为一种才能。

Give up your seat to a lady

Give up your seat to a ladyLittle Johnny says

给女士让座小强尼说:“妈妈,今天早上和爸爸在公车上时,他叫我让座给一位女士。”妈妈说:“你做得很对呀。”“但是,妈妈,我是坐在爸爸膝盖上的。”

jump up and down

Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.妈妈:你为什么不停地跳上跳下的?汤姆:我刚吃完药,可我忘了先摇动瓶子了

范文七:英语幽默小笑话 投稿:姜甂甃

一.A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker,

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again,

what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late.

At this point, one passenger became furious.

只剩一个引擎

一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时,喇叭里传来了机长的声音:“旅客们请注意,我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿,旅客们又听到机长的声音:“各位,你们猜怎么啦 ?我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞,但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时,一位乘客非常气愤地说:“看在上帝的份上,如果我们再掉一个引擎,我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”

二.The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.

Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said,

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答。

三.My First and My LastWhen George was thirty-five, he bought a

small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

乔治35岁时买了架小型飞机,并开始学习驾驶。不久,他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技飞行了。

George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought,

乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天,乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。马克心想,“我乘大客机飞行过好几次,还从来没有乘过小飞机,我不妨试一试。” They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.

升空后,乔治飞了有半个小时,在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。

When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice,

后来他们着陆了。马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说:“乔治,非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。”

Gerogy was very surprised and said,

乔治非常吃惊地问:“两次飞行?”

“是的,我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。

四.Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once, the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said,

Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot.

He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right.

彼得十八岁那年参了军,他需要参加几个月的学习以成为一名好士兵。彼得在其他方面都做得很好,但是射击不行。一天他和伙伴们练习射击,除了彼得其他人都没有问题。他射了九次,一次也没有命中目标。这时,教新兵射击的教官说:“彼得,你看来是没希望了,不要连最后一发子弹都浪费掉!去那堵墙后面用它向自己打一枪吧。”

彼得感到非常惭愧。他走到那堵墙后面。几分钟后,教官和新兵们听到一声枪响。

“上帝!”教官叫起来,“难道那个笨蛋真的朝自己开枪了?”

他急忙跑到那堵墙后面,发现彼得安然无恙。“对不起,长官,”他说,“我还是没有命中。”

五.A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing

happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the

president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for

sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.

有个小男孩非常需要50美元,他为此祷告了数周但是什么也没发生。后来,他决定写封信向上帝索要这50美元。邮局接到这封信,想了想觉得还是应该交给总统比较好。总统被逗笑了,于是指示秘书寄给小男孩5美元,因为他觉得5美元对于一个小孩来讲已经是不少了。小男孩收到了钱很高兴,给上帝回了一封感谢信,信里写道:尊敬的上帝,非常感谢你把钱寄给我。然而,我发现这些钱是通过白宫寄出的,因此,和往常一样,那帮家伙收了我45美元的税。

六.Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows:

One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace.

When she woke up, she told her husband,

On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.

Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled

七.情人节前一天,一个女人做了个项链的梦。

当她醒来,她和她丈夫说:“我刚梦到你情人节给了我一根珍珠项链。你说那是什么含义呢?”。

“到情人节那天你就会知道了。”他笑着说。

情人节那天,男人给了他老婆一个礼盒。

她很兴奋地打开,看到的却是一本书,书名是《梦的解析》。

八、一群伟大的科学家去世后在天堂里玩藏猫猫。轮到爱因斯坦抓人,他数到100睁开眼睛,看到所有的人都藏起来了,只有牛顿还站在那里。

A bunch of great, DEAD scientists were playing hide-and-seek in heaven. When it's Einstein's turn to be the seeker, he counted untill 100 and opened his eyes. All the others were hide, but only Newton were still standing there.

爱因斯坦走过去说:“牛顿,我抓住你了。”

Einstein walked to him and said:

牛顿:“不,你没有抓到牛顿。”

Newton answered:

爱因斯坦:“你不是牛顿你还能是谁?”

Einstein said:

牛顿:“你看我脚下是什么?”

Newton said:

爱因斯坦低头,看到牛顿站在一块长、宽都是一米的正方形地板砖上,大为不解。

Einstein looked down and found that Newton was standing on a square floor board with one metre long and one metre wide. He didn't understand.

牛顿:“我脚下是一平方米的方块,我站在上面就是牛顿/平方米。所以你抓住的不是牛顿,你抓住的是帕斯卡。”

Newton then said:

九.A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach.

一个男孩放学回家时,感到肚子疼。

hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it.

十.It was so late. Frank lay in bed and demanded his mother to peel the apple for him.

天很晚了。弗兰克躺在床上,要妈妈给他削苹果吃。

“孩子,太晚了,苹果已经睡觉了。”

“不,不会的,妈妈。小苹果可能睡了,但大苹果一定没有睡。”

十一.

一个男孩夸口说:“我爸爸做的稻草人非常好,所以他的农场3英里内都没有乌鸦。”

“那有什么,”他的朋友说:“我叔叔做的稻草人非常棒,乌鸦把去年偷的所有粮食都送了回来。”

十二.A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ... hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passerbys pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the

medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said,

十三.Little Mike was visiting on his grandparents' farm. Checking the chicken's tail, he came upon a peacock. He ranquickly to the house shouting,

小迈克正在参观爷爷奶奶的农场。他在鸡群中看到一只孔雀。他马上跑向屋子,大声喊道:“奶奶,快来!你的一只鸡开花了!”

范文八:英语幽默笑话三则 投稿:廖汭汮

英语幽默笑话三则

学英语不一定要沉闷地看阅读写作文,不如试试读英语笑话吧!不仅有趣,而且尝试讲给朋友听,还可以能提升口语能力呢。有了趣味性往往能让人学的更有动力,不是吗?

第一则 :First Flight

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aeroplane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small plane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight was the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend,

【第一次坐飞机】

约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机,他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以,有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时,约翰逊先生非常担心,不敢接受。不过,由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的,约翰逊先生终于被说服了,登上了飞机。 他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落,所以他吓得紧闭双眼。

过了一两分钟,他睁开双眼朝窗外望去,接着对朋友说道:“看下面那些人,他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小,是不是?”

“那些就是蚂蚁,”他的朋友答道,“我们还在地面上。”

第二则 :Creative

Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job.

I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.

【创造性】

第一次求职时,我意识到在列举我所具备的为数不多的条件时,得有点创造性。当问及我是否受过其它的培训时,我老实地回答说我花了三年时间学计算机程序设计课。我得到了那份工作。

我没有提到那门功课我重复学了三年才考及格。

第三则 :A Nail Or A Fly?

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully and slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

【钉子还是苍蝇?】

一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇,他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂,瓶子掉下来摔碎了,酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后,对他深表同情,决定帮他个忙。 于是,第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时,她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。 这里,老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看,苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近,使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫,好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是,可怜的老头正坐在地板上,牙关紧咬,右手滴血不止

范文九:英语幽默笑话 投稿:史嫲嫳

英语幽默笑话

一、学习笑话,开心不累

由于文化背景的不同,西方式的笑话幽默与东方式的往往差异较大。对于英语学习者而言,往往不易领会英语笑话的真正含义所在,比如:“I love animals; they are delicious.”这句话只有在英语世界中才有其可笑之处,因为对我们中国人而言,几乎所有的动物皆可使用,这是中国饮食文化的一个方面,因此没什么可大惊小怪的。然而对于西方人而言,动物是人类的亲密伙伴,动物同样有生存权及发展权,因此那位喜爱吃动物的食客才会沦为笑柄。

笑话幽默是了解一种文化的一个途径和窗口。只有了解他们的文化,才能会心地笑出来。而当你同老外们交谈时,领会其幽默之处无疑也是你必备的一种技能。不要等别人都笑出来之后你才反应过来。

学习英文笑话,不仅可以让你了解他们的文化,与他们沟通更加顺畅,还可以增添你学习英语的乐趣,让你对英语逐渐产生兴趣,而不是越学越烦,越学越难。

此外,英文笑话里面有许多幽默机智的小对话,对口语学习非常有益。学习经典英文笑话,学说里面的精炼对话,用不了多久,你的英语口语就将变得非常风趣幽默,你将成为最受欢迎的人,所有人都愿意和你交谈,所有人都乐意听你讲话。如果一个人说话毫无风趣可言,老外们必然会将你排除在他们朋友圈子之外,因为他们最最推崇的交友原则就是:这个人必须幽默风趣!

二、多说多练,风趣幽默

请跟随老师朗读并大胆讲给别人听,不要害羞,也不要害怕丢脸,因为这次丢脸是为了将来永远不丢脸,赶快行动起来吧!

1.Intelligent son 聪明的儿子

One day, the father lets eight year-old son send a letter, the son took the letter , the father then remembered didn't write the address and addressee's name on the envelope.

After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter in the mail box?"

"Certainly"

"You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?"

"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."

"Then why you didn't take it back?"

"I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee, is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!"

有一天,父亲让八岁的儿子去寄一封信,儿子已经拿着信跑了,父亲才想起信封上没写地址和收信人的名字。

儿子回来后,父亲问他:“你把信丢进邮筒了吗?” “当然”“你没看见信封上没有写地址和收信人名字吗?”

“我当然看见信封上什么也没写”“那你为什么不拿回来呢?”

“我还以为你不写地址和收信人,是为了不想让我知道你把信寄给谁呢!”

2.Sharing the Apples 分苹果

Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said.

So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.

Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I'd have given you the large one and had the small one myself.

Well, said Harry, that's what you've got, so what are you worrying about?

妈妈给了哈里两个苹果,一个大一点,另一个小点儿。跟妹妹分着吃。妈妈说。

所以,哈里就把小个的给了妹妹,自己开始啃那个大个的。

哼,妹妹说,如果妈妈给了我,我会把大的给你,把小的留给自己的。

对呀,哈里说,你拿到的不就是小的吗?还着什么急呀?

3.Snorer 瞌睡者

The preacher was vexed(生气的) because a certain member of his congregation(集会,圣会) always fell asleep during the sermon.

As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven, please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After

whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."

Awaking with a start(吓一跳) , the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit(讲道坛) , "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

牧师非常生气,因为总有一个人在他说教时打瞌睡。

一个星期天,正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时,牧师决定要好好教育他一下,让他不要再在布道时睡觉。于是他低声对信徒们说:“想去天堂的人,都请站起来吧。”所有的人都站了起来——当然,除了那个打瞌睡的人。在低声说过请坐后,牧师高声喊道:“想去下地狱的人请站起来!”

打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声惊醒了,他站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上,正生气的看着他。这个人说道:“噢,先生,我不知道我们在选什么,但看上去只有你和我是候选人。”

4.Two Pieces of Cake 两块蛋糕

Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?

Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!

汤姆:妈妈,我可以吃两块蛋糕吗?

妈妈:当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧!

5.A Gentle Reminder委婉提醒

Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, "Honey, do you realize that we've been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?"

Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, "So, you want to switch seats?"

婚后已久,我丈夫往往在一个特别事情上需要委婉的提醒。在我们结婚35周年纪念的早上,我们正坐在早餐桌旁,我暗示道:“亲爱的,你意识到我们在这两个相同的座位上已坐了整整35年了吗?”

他放下报纸,眼睛直直地望着我:“因此,你想交换座位吗?

6.It's not my fault 不是我的错

Mother (reprimanding训斥,谴责 her small daughter): You mustn't pull the cat's tail.

Daughter: I'm only holding it, Mom. The cat's doing the pulling.

妈妈(正教训她的女儿):你不该拽猫的尾巴。

女儿:妈,我只是握着猫尾巴,它自己在拽。

7.一分一块钱 A dollar per point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

一天,教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷,然后回到讲台前等待。

考试结束了,学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票,还有一张纸条写着:“一分一块钱。” 第二堂课,教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的找零。

8.To Buy a Video 买录像机

Amos asked his mother whether they could have a video.

I‟m afraid we can‟t afford one, sighed his mother.

But on the following day in came Amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.

How on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mother.

Easy, Mum. replied Amos, I sold the television!

艾莫斯问妈妈他们是否能买一台录像机。

恐怕我们还买不起,妈妈叹息着说。

可第二天当艾莫斯回来时,他摇摇晃晃地搬着一台全新的录像机。

你究竟是哪儿来的钱买这东西?妈妈大吃一惊,喘着气说。

妈妈,这简单, 艾曼斯回答。我把电视机给卖了!

9.Does He Bite 它咬人吗

Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him?

Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?

Reggie: That's what I want to find out.

里基:我们又得到了一条新狗,你愿意过来和他玩一会吗?

罗恩:嗯,我不知道----它咬人吗?

里基:这正是我想要查明的。

10.Birthday 生日

Professor: When is your birthday?

Kid: May 30.

Professor: Which year?

Kid: Every year.

教授:你的生日是什么时候?

孩子:5月30日。

教授:哪一年?

孩子:每年都是。

11.How to Become Rich 如何致富

Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.

Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.

Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.

弟弟:我看见你亲我姐姐了,如果你不给我五分钱,我就告诉我爸。

姐姐的男朋友:不要那样做。给你五分钱。

弟弟:我这个月已经赚了一块两毛五了。

12.I'm Glad 我很高兴

A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. Now, children, said she, has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?

Please, teacher, said a small boy, I've made someone glad yesterday.

Well done. Who was that?

My granny.

Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grand mother glad.

Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, „Granny, I'm going home,‟ and she said, „Well, I'm glad‟!

一个主日学校的老师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。现在,孩子们,她说:你们当中有谁让别人高兴过?

我,老师,一个小男孩说:昨天我就使别人高兴过。

做得好,是谁呢?

我奶奶。

好孩子,现在告诉我们,你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。

是这样的,老师。我昨天去看她,在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说:„奶奶,我要回家了。‟她说:„啊,我很高兴!‟

13.What Color什么颜色

An impoverished graduate student at Clemson University in South Carolina, I was excited when my father informed me that he had bought me a car. Hardly able to contain my enthusiasm, I asked Dad the typical questions: "What kind is it? Does it have a stick shift? Does it have a tape deck?"

"It's a 1982 Toyota," he replied. "It's a four speed, and, yes, it has a tape deck . " Pleased, I asked what color it was. "Well, " he said uncomfortably, " which part?"

作为南卡罗莱那州克莱姆森大学的一个本科生,我囊中羞涩,当我父亲告诉我他为我买了辆车时,我甚是激动。我几乎控制不住我的热情,问了爸爸几个关键问题:“什么车?有没有手排挡?有没有磁带舱?”

“是1982年产丰田车,”他回答说,“四速,还有,是的,有磁带舱。”我甚是高兴,又问是什么颜色的。

“哦,”他很不舒服地说,“你指哪一部分?”

14.One Side of the Case 一面之辞

A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.

"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.

"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.

"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."

一位法官问我们这群修补陪审员是否有人应当免权。一个人举起了手。

“我的左耳听不见。”那人告诉法官。

“你的右边耳朵听得见吗?”法官问道。那人点了点头。

“你将被允许加入陪审团,”法官宣布。“我们每次只听一面之辞。”

15.Day after Day 日复一日

A teacher was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up . He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and-without realizing it-he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the student wouldn't point this out to him.

After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends. The next day when the teacher said "Goldberg, translate and explain," Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today ."

"All right," said the teacher. "YOU translate and explain.

一位老师对所讲课文总是非常投入,从不抬头。他常让一个学生来翻译和解释,并且----不自觉地----他常日复一日地叫同一个学生。出于尊敬,学生并不给他指出这一点。

一个叫古德伯格的学生,在被一连叫了四天之后,向他的朋友寻求建议。第二天,这位教师又说:“古德伯格,翻译并解释。”古德伯格回答说:“古德伯格今天缺席。”

“那好吧,”教师说,“那就你来翻译并解释。”

16.A Vacation Cruise 假日巡航游

One stupid guy reads an ad about a vacation cruise that costs only $ 100.After he signs up and pays, the travel agent hits him with a bat, knocks him unconscious and throws him out the back door into the river. Soon another guy comes in, pays his fee and gets the same treatment.

Fifteen minutes later, as the two are floating down the river together, the first man says, "I wonder if they're serving any food on this cruise."

"I don' t know, the second guy replied. "They didn't last year."

一愚笨之人读到一则假日巡航游只须花100元的广告。在他签了字付了款后,旅游经纪人用棒猛击了他一下,把他打昏了过去,并把他从后门扔进了河里。不久又来了一个人,付了钱并得到了相同的待遇。 十五分钟后,这两个人一起向河的下游漂去。第一个人说:“不知道他们这次巡航游是否提供食物。” “不知道,”第二个人说道,“去年是没有的。”

17.A Girl's Name 女孩的名字

When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late(已故的) father, despite family warning that the name

was too masculine(男性的) .

Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.

Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.

女儿出生时,我们给她取名叫迈尔斯,和我深爱的业已过世的父亲同一个名字,不过家人提醒这个名字太男性化了。

几年以后,我觉得迈尔斯已经长大,能够懂事了。我对她解释说:你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样的名字,因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。

迈尔斯很仔细地想了一下,然后说道:这些我都懂,妈妈。可是我不知道外公为什么会有一个女孩子的名字。

18.roast pig 烤乳猪

A gentleman was invited for dinner. When he hurried there and sat down, he was happy to see a roast pig in front of his seat:"Not bad, I am next to the pig." But then he noticed the angry fat lady sitting next to him. He faked a smile and added: "Oh I am sorry, I meant the roasted one on the table."

一位先生去赴宴迟到了,匆忙入座后,发现自己的座位正对着乳猪,于是大为高兴的说:“还不错,我坐在乳猪的旁边。”这时才发现身旁的一位胖女士正怒目相视,他忙陪笑改口到:“对不起,我说的是那只烤好的。”

19.你太晚了You Are Too Late

On the bus a man discovered a pickpocket's hand thrust into his pocket.

"sorry," he said to the pickpocket, "you are too late. My wife did it before you."

在公共汽车上一人发现一个小偷把手伸到了他的口袋里。

“对不起,”他对小偷说,“你太晚了,我妻子在你之前就做过同样的事情了。”

20.I Could Do It Slower 我可以干得慢一些

Patient: What do you charge for pulling a tooth?

Dentist: Fifty dollars.

Patient: Fifty dollars for a couple of minutes' work?

Dentist: Well, I could do it slower, if you like.

病人:拔一颗牙收费多少?

牙医:50美元。

病人:只几分钟的活儿就要50美元?

牙医:好的,如果你喜欢的话,我可以干得慢一些。

范文十:英语幽默笑话-等一分钟 投稿:秦絉絊

英语幽默笑话:等一分钟

Wait a Minute

Tom: My grand God, what does a millennium mean to you? God: It only means a minute.

Tom: My omnipotent god, what do 10,000 golden coins mean to you? God: Just a small coin.

Tom: My humane god, please give me a small coin.

God: Ok, poor man, please wait a minute.

等一分钟

汤姆:我伟大的上帝,一千年对你来说,意味着什么?

上帝:它只意味着一分钟。

汤姆:我万能的上帝,一万枚金币对你来说,意味着什么?

上帝:它只意味着一枚小硬币。

汤姆:我仁慈的上帝,那就请给我一枚小硬币吧!

上帝:好吧,可怜的人,请等一分钟吧。

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